Sometimes in a man’s life, when things are going ok, nothing explicitly exciting is happening, and he has nothing to complain about… well, he has to get creative with his journal postings…

So without further introduction, I present to you the first part of a one part series on the most critical of all culture lessons:

How to Poop in Japan!

“Ha-HA!!“ you say, “but I already know how to poop, why should doing it in Japan be any different?”

Well, because this is Japan, everything is different… even McDonald’s. I offer as proof a simple incontrovertible fact about toilet behavior in Japan:

–citizens of this fine country, as a *rule*, know how to use not one, not two, but three different toilets! Oh yes, ’tis true, read on my dear washroom explorers…

Your Honor, I submit before the court Example A – Le Pooper Regularis.

Surely you all recognize this fixture of American plumbing, err… fixtures. Nothing particularly exciting, one might even call it the “porcelain mousetrap,” how could it possibly be improved? What twisted mind would deign to tamper with such an efficient waste-transporting marvel? Frankly I have no idea, but somewhere along the way Japan adopted a beast that can only be described as… the Franken-crapper.

However, one cannot study the present without an appreciation of the past. Enter Example B – Le Pooper Oldskoolus.

If you travel way back into Japan’s feudal period, when one had to go the due process was to simply lift up the hem of one’s garments and take a squat wherever seemed prudent (i.e. not on a cactus…). This first attempt at sanitary plumbing simply modernized the old practice by putting a basin and some running water underneath the squatter. The user would simply hover until the deed was complete, wipe if necessary, and be done with it. Obviously for the modern bathroom visitor there are a number of flaws with this system – firstly, few of today’s fat Americans could possibly squat in place long enough to successfully go, without some sort of bar to hold onto, and perhaps not even then. Secondly, unless you’ve got quads-of-steel, traditional simultaneous activities would be impossible… I think we can all then agree, that no one is the least bit disappointed to see this style of water-closet being slowly fazed out in Japan.

Finally, the moment we’ve all be waiting for, I present: Example C – Le Pooper Deluxe, aka, the Franken-crapper.

Oh yes, bask, *bask* in its glory, I command thee! A bathroom behemoth, a toilet titan, a porcelain powerhouse, call it whatever you like, so long as you call it “Sir.” At the heart of Le Pooper Deluxe is its control panel, from which all your sanitation dreams can be fulfilled. In order to overcome the language barrier and prevent unnecessary confusion, I have taken the liberty of labeling the controls for you. I expect you will find my efforts adequately informative:

You may even want to consider printing it out and saving it – put it in your wallet perhaps. You never know when you might run into your first Franken-crapper, and no one wants to be caught with their pants down, when they have their pants down…